Breathe

Yesterday was surgery day and my first day of zapping the heck out of my tumor.



I was not nervous going in and was very relaxed. The nurse said that I had the best blood pressure of the day and all my vitals looked really good. I enjoyed talking with my first nurse Kathleen she was a fellow midwesterner and had an adorable accent from Montana. We started talking a little bit about my dad‘s death a week ago and found that we had a lot in common. Her dad died from alcoholism as well so she knew exactly what I was going through. She helped keep me entertained and calm during the pre operative experience. I met my anesthesiologist and my eye doctor came in, marked my eye and walked through the surgery one more time. Dr. Kurli is so sweet and before I went into surgery she held my hand which was very very comforting. The anesthesiologist gave me a shot of calming meds as they wheeled me into the operating room. I remember looking around and seeing all of the doctors and nurses but then it was lights out. The next thing I know I was waking up and a nurse was helping me

get dressed.




I barely remember getting home and I remember being very uncomfortable. Rick took good care of me and did his very best to get me comfortable. He is an amazing man. I wasn’t hungry but ended up having a soft taco so I could stomach the pain medicine. Then I slept quite a bit.


Then reality hit and I started getting anxious


I ended up struggling a little bit in the early evening because I could not open my left eye (which is my good eye) because my bad eye kept trying to open under the white patch that covered half of my face. It was very painful. It started to get to me that I could not open either of my eyes and I was “in the dark”. My husband, mom and my sister all tried to encourage me and tell me that it would get better. Honestly, I really wanted to believe them but I was struggling with the feeling of being completely blind.



At bedtime it was completely dark in my bedroom and I started to have a panicky feeling. It went beyond feeling anxious. My eye must have been watering and was getting really uncomfortable underneath the large white patch that covered half my face And it triggered panic. The doc said to leave the patch on until the next morning and I just couldn’t bear the thought of it. Rick was asleep but he woke up to come into the room to keep me company so I could distract my mind off of how uncomfortable I was. It worked for a little bit and he helped set up the Alexa so I could put on some meditation music. I tried to rest. However the panic crept back in and got worse. I felt like I was dying inside. I asked Rick to turn on some lights so that I did not feel like I was in such darkness and I had him take the white patch off my face. I knew I was not going to make it through the night with it on.


Once the patch came off I was able to wipe my eye with a warm cloth and relax. I took time to breath and listen to the meditation music. I ended up sleeping the rest the night and didn’t even wake up to take pain medicine in the middle of the night.




Today is a new day!


I woke up feeling so much better. Today, I can open my left eye which has changed my world. I can look at my phone periodically, I can walk around, I ate yogurt in the backyard and enjoyed the gorgeous weather, and I was able to take a lovely bath.



I started my eyedrop regimen today. Two different medicines four times a day. Still just laying around in bed and trying to get some rest. My OM eye is naturally starting to open now. My lid is really swollen and my eye doesn’t look pretty but the muscles are starting to relax and open. When I do have my OM eye open my vision is very strange because of double vision. When I looked at my phone there was one screen straight ahead and then a second phone on top of it but tilted to the right. Bizarre.


Time to get some more rest and listen to more of my audiobook.


Thank goodness for voice to text! Hopefully this blog comes across okay.


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